I’m So, So Sorry

To the little girl inside of me who didn’t get to be daddy’s little girl and who’s mother didn’t dress you in pretty dresses with lovely bows in your hair. I’m so, so sorry you truly believed you could be anything you wanted to be. I am sorry you felt so scared and alone. You trusted that fairy tales were real only to learn that your ballerina dreams needed to be abandoned. I am sorry that you felt like your prince charming was never going to arrive to save his damsel in distress.

To the teenage girl inside that felt guilt and shame for her feminine thoughts. I’m so, so sorry I didn’t trust your instincts and went ahead with what society taught me just to help you try to fit in. I’m sorry for allowing you to intentionally soften your footprints out of fear of what others would think of you. I’m sorry that I allowed you to be afraid of living your life authentically. I am so sorry I was ashamed of you and didn’t fight for your existence.

To the young woman who missed out on being the bride you dreamed of becoming, when you were so young and innocent. I’m so, so sorry for putting you through the hell of trying to make you fit into someone you were not. I could feel you urging me to stop, but I just couldn’t. I wanted you to blend in with the crowd so you wouldn’t be made fun of. I did not understand how precious you really were. I didn’t know you were transgender and had the wrong hormones that competed with your brain.

To the woman I am now and to the woman whom I will become, I’m so, so sorry for how long it took me to realize who you really are. I’m sorry for nearly giving up on you by trying to convince you that you weren’t real. You are my priority now. I understand now that I was trying to protect you. But I always had faith in you and I always hoped that you would see your shining light one day. Every day I think about you, and I try to recover your sweetness and innocence. You are becoming more clearly you every day. I promise I will always support you and always keep you out of the shadows. You are here. You have made it! For that I will never regret or ever apologize for.

~me

*Inspired by my friend Dr. Samantha Mason